Why am I serving?

Alright, guys, I know, I know, I'm jumping the gun just a little bit on this whole blog situation. I haven't even gotten my call yet. But what can I say? I'm just way too dern excited and starting this will at least help me shake out some of my pent up energy over finding out where I'm going. Sue me.

Ever since October when I've told someone I'm going on a mission, they ask me one of three questions, or all three: 

"When are you leaving?" 

"Where are you going?" 

"What made you decide to serve a mission?" 

The first two questions hurt my insides because they must follow with the answer: "well, I'm young, which means I don't get to submit my papers yet." (March 24, though! So soon!) 

Double gut punch when their response to that is "well, you could still change your mind." Silly humans.

The third question is one I actually really love answering. Depending on who's asking, I either give them the short version: "I just know I'm supposed to go. It's what feels right." Or, if they're a close friend or family member who is A. used to the ramblings of me and B. has time, because my ramblings are usually quite long ramblings, I give them the long version. 

Here is the long version. 

I wish I could tell you that I was one of those girls who always had a mission in the plan and that the announcement just accelerated that decision and made it so I could go sooner. But, this is not so. I was one of those girls who was always so sure I'd be married by then. No, not just that, I WANTED to be married by then. I was (okay...am) so incredibly pumped for marriage that to me, the sooner, the better. Seriously, TLC and Pinterest just make me go nuts for getting married. Anyway, there's a whole paragraph in my patriarchal blessing on me serving as a missionary for the Lord's church "at the appropriate time in my life." I remember my sister who is now serving her mission in Tokyo, Japan, reading it and yelling "YEAH! You are SO going on a mission!" I replied "No, that could very well mean a mission with a spouse!" I have no clue as to why my hairbrained self was so terrified of the positively horrific thought (ha) at not being married or in a serious relationship by the time I was 21, but I was. I was so adamant that my Patriarchal blessing did not mean that and that was not what the Lord had planned for me. 

I bet my Father had a good laugh over all of that. 

Meanwhile, in the midst of all of this denial, I was going through some very difficult trials in the year leading up to the announcement. High school was coming to a close and the stress of the ever so terrifying adulthood was looming over me, along with all of the goodbyes that would come with it. I lost a lot of very, very close friends to an awful rumor that wasn't true. I had one or two heartbreaks, although if you asked me in person I probably wouldn't call them that to you because that makes me feel stupid, because boys are just so stupid. But they were very real and very hard. My sister---my best friend--departed on her mission to Tokyo, and I knew how hard it was going to be to leave for college and start a whole new chapter without her to call or text on a whim. As silly as this sounds, my dog died. He'd been in my family since I was five, and he was just another element of proof that my childhood was over as I said goodbye to him.  A lot of internal battles of self-doubt and confusion were fought that I'm not going to elaborate on because they were very personal. And then, hardest of all, was finding out the night before high school graduation that a very close friend, who had cancer and was in remission, had found out that her cancer had returned and this time it was terminal. Nine days later I said my final goodbye to her. Three days after that we got the call that she was gone. Other than grandparents, she was the first death I had experienced. And though losing grandparents was hard, with them it made more sense because they'd gotten everything out of this life. Barb dying seemed so absolutely unfair because she still had so many things to experience. She was supposed to be at my graduation. She was supposed to be at my wedding. She wasn't and she won't be. For the first time in my life, the couple of weeks after her death, I questioned my Father and felt angry toward Him. 

He gave me my space to let me mourn. He knew that's what I needed to do. He knew it was going to take me being angry then feeling utterly alone, to remember who I was. I was a girl blessed with the spiritual gifts necessary to overcome prolonged periods of discouragement and disappointment. than anything, I was a daughter of my Heavenly Father, who loves me, and I love Him. And none of what I experience was going to be a waste. More than that, the only way He would make me go through it on my own would be if I told Him to--which, for a couple of weeks, had been exactly what I had done. But I came right back to Him and He did not leave me comfortless. I was a girl who had the gift to trust Him unconditionally and maintain perspective of the future.  That's what I needed to do then. Barb was free of pain. Barb was still with me. Barb left because she had to. It was all a part of His plan, and whether I knew why or not didn't matter. I needed to trust Him. So I did. 

A summer of adventures followed, then ended with me leaving home to go to attend school at Utah State University. I held some pretty big expectations of what college would hold for me (I think I watched one too many college chick flicks in high school). I thought "yeah! I'm going to make a million new friends and meet my future husband on the first day and ace all of my classes and it's going to be great!" 

Instead, I found myself having difficulties making any new connections up in Logan; the only friends I felt like I had were back home in Salt Lake. Spoiler alert, I didn't meet my future husband on the first day. And as for the education part, things were going fine but I just completely lacked direction. That first month of college is so surreal to think about now because that is the most lost I had ever felt. Not lost in the sense of not knowing who I was or my place in this world, but lost in the sense of having no clue where my life was going. Like, NO clue. I felt like I was just floating; doing nothing productive. Looking back, I think my Spirit knew what was coming and the anxiety I felt was it being so ANXIOUS for it come already. In my head, though, I just sort of felt like a punk college student with no clue what she was doing. I hadn't connected with my roommates yet. I hadn't made any close friends yet. I felt like a failure. 

October 6, 2012: 

Admittedly, I had slept in by accident and was still in bed fifteen minutes after conference had started. I got a text from my friend, so excited because he could now serve a mission at the age of 18. Then I got a text from my mom, "are you watching conference?" I assumed she was checking up on me to see if I was up, so I replied "yeah boys can now serve at the age of 18." She replied "and girls at nineteen." That didn't quite sink in though. Not until I jumped on my computer to start conference from the beginning. I watched with excitement as Thomas S. Monson said the bit about young men now being able to serve at 18. Then, tears filled my eyes as I heard "Today, I am pleased to announce that able, worthy, young women, with the desire to serve, may be recommended for missionary service, beginning at age nineteen, instead of age 21." 

You know the term "my whole life flashed before my eyes?" It typically refers to someone having a near death experience. Well, this was FAR from that, but that was exactly what happened. Except, it happened in the context of every trial, every significant experience, flashing before my eyes and I could almost hear my Father saying "my daughter, this is for you." Everything that had happened to me in those months leading up to my mission made so much sense. They were meant to prepare me for this life-altering moment. They were meant to shape me into someone who would have the desire and conviction to serve her brothers and sisters. This was the answer to so many prayers. It felt as thought it truly was specifically for me, and a lot of other people will tell you the same thing. He looked at each of His children individually in this decision--both those who were going to decide to serve and those who would hear the Gospel from them--and He answered all of our souls' pleas. Heavenly Father absolutely knows what He's doing.

As I kicked my butt into gear and started to "try a little harder to be a little better", everything started to fall into place. I made lasting friendships at Utah State. Boys stopped mattering altogether. My schoolwork, though I would be leaving it for two years, didn't seem like a waste anymore. My daily prayer and scripture study became a BILLION times better. Life, after this announcement, was clear, and I was filled with peace. 

I am serving a mission because of the blessings this Gospel has brought me. The comfort I have received from a knowledge of the Plan of Happiness, a knowledge that I have a Father in Heaven who loves, guides, and watches over me, and, above all, that I have an Elder Brother, even Jesus Christ, who has been the one to pick me up every time I have fallen. Who saw my face as He bled in the Garden and suffered the Atonement. Who knows, in a way no one will ever know, exactly how I feel in every single thing I have had to and will have to endure. He suffers it right along with me, and that knowledge that I am NEVER alone, that my Father and Jesus Christ, are NEVER far behind, with their arms wide open waiting for me to enter their embrace, is the reason why I am here and why I am who I am. This Gospel is my everything. With everything I've had to face, it astounds me that there are so many people who have had to face far worse things. And what truly breaks me heart is the fact that so many of my brothers and sisters think they have to suffer it alone. The thought of having to do that scares me. It makes me want so badly to give them what I have. To  just walk up to them and tell them anything and everything this Gospel holds and bring them to a knowledge of the truth that we have a loving Heavenly Father, His Son, Jesus Christ, who suffered our many afflictions and died for us was resurrected, and that we are blessed with the constant companionship of the Holy Spirit. That we are NEVER alone. That we can be with our loved ones for time and all eternity. That there's the big man upstairs who knows infinitely more than we do who's in control so we need not worry and simply trust in Him. Above all, that we will live again, and the pains of this life will be rewarded tenfold. I know all of this to be true, and I want others to know it as well. 

It's strange to think of who I was last year. It saddens me to think of the anger I felt toward Heavenly Father when Barb died. But I had to hit rock bottom to find out He is my rock at the bottom. It was in His plan for Barb that she be called home at that time, and as for His plan for me, it had to happen to strengthen my testimony of His plan and make me trust in Him fully. It's strange to think of how anguished I was when my best friend and sister Kenzie left on her mission. At that time, I thought the goodbye would be only for eighteen months. The day of the announcement, one of the first things I said to my dad after he texted me his excitement for the announcement was "but Dad, three years without Kenz...." His response was immediate: "but an eternity with her..." I will miss my sister dearly, but the sacrifice we will make in the time spent apart will be so worth it to give others the eternal family we have already been blessed with. It would be selfish to hold that from others. Last May, when she left, I felt nothing but anxiety and sadness over her leaving. Now, the thought of us being apart makes me miss her more, and yes sometimes I miss her so much it hurts, but what overpowers all of that is the undeniable and encompassing calm and peace that I feel  in knowing that what we're doing is right. I'm a completely different person than I was then. That anxious, confused, lost girl is gone and what has replaced her is someone who is strong and has faith and is SO very eager for the future. I owe all of this to the Gospel, and I'm so excited for other people to know it too. 

I cannot wait to get out there to go forth and conquer! 

Now you know why people need time to hear the long version. ;) 

I'm going on a mission, and there is NOTHING that will change my mind.

"Today, many sisters are being called to serve. Many more are preparing to serve. Not because they aren't married or don't have anything else to do, but they have the desire to serve. One reason that the Lord wants more sisters to serve is because within the next generation He will send His priesthood army to the earth. He wants to send choice spirit children to mothers who have been prepared, properly trained, and taught in the gospel. What better schooling can a mother have than the experience and growth she gains through serving a mission?" 

-President Gordon B. Hinckley 

P.S. TURNING IN MY MISSION PAPERS ON SUNDAY! GAHHHH!